I've narrowed the list of reason to not die yet to 3...
I'm now left with my 2 dogs and my dad..
Roley and Promise need me like crazy..
I have a contingency plan for them in case of my demise,
but I cant leave them...
My father is old...
and he depends on me to do almost everything for him..
buying food, wine...doing his taxes...someone to talk to...
it would not be fair to him to off myself while he is alive..
My daughter is married and moved 700 miles away....
My son doesn't think he needs anyone..
I love my friends
but my friends can OBVIOUSLY get along just fine without me.
It would just be an excuse for one more stupid party
if I bit the dust...
I have a great life insurance policy with my kids as beneficiaries...
they would probably thank me for the big check they would get..
my dogs will hopefully live a good 10-13 more years,
which is likely longer than my dad.
So, after he is gone...
I would only have the dogs keeping me alive...
This is assuming I don't get more dogs before then...
One of my biggest reasons to die,
is that don;t think i can help all the millions of dogs who need me.
And I have the hardest time going to kennels just to volunteer and help
because I seriously can't take knowing the doom of most of the dogs...
I have these grand illusions of going to Africa
and killing the fuck out of
those goddamn elephant poachers....
probably wont happen tho..
My fatalism has reached the point
of almost constantly thinking of ways to die..
If I were just killed,
in an accident or something,
my dad couldn't be mad...
The dogs would wonder what the fuck happend tho..
why haven't I come home from work...
They'll have been waiting for days..
trying not to poop in the house..
wtf jim?? You always come home????
Every night after work, its a freaking celebration..
they are so happy when I get home.
Jumping around and acting crazy and we could do this for hours
if we felt like it..
but...Roley and Promise would have to live the rest of their days
without their best friend ever...
It's like I'm looking for a way to die all the time..
I could crash at full speed into the end of a guard rail on the highway..
Someone could cut me off and drive my car into the median..
I've had a long standing desire to crash into my gradeschool church.
It's still there, but its a college now..
I could head west down N ELizabeth to Washington,
past Dick Weber Bowling Alley
at 100 mph in the early morning when theres no traffic
and veer left and go right into what used to be called
Our Lady Of Fatima Catholic Church..
where I had to do so any confessions and say hail marys out the ass
and praise fucking god
for so many years..
That would be awesome...
I just cant think of any other reasons to live..
I still love pussy and titties and thighs and all...
but my standards have gotten so high in the past few years
that its almost impossible to find a chick worth spending any time with at all..
Nothing else to offer....
I still get riled up about politics and obama this and that
and I've written lots articles and opinions..
but haven't hardly put any of them on FER.
Im still scarred from the Secret Service Invasion of my house in 2003..
That was so fucked up..
I still find myself looking out my kitchen window in the morning,
to see if the black cars are out there...
They made it clear when they left that if
they ever had to come back,
I would disappear and no one would see me again..
That would be fine if they would kill me,
but not if I get locked up somewhere forever...
Its cool though, because if the Secret Service
ever bust in my front door again,
I'm just gonna take out as many of them as i can before they kill me...
which is what I should have done the first time..
But, like I said, what if they take me alive..
then I'd probably really be fucked...
Every moment of my life has become
an obsessive wish for death...
For now I guess I'll live in this